The other day, I went back and found these in my phone:
11/27/12
absolute ache
12/12/12
panic
and the flight of the mind
like the sense that someone’s talking to you
from far away
but then they’re right in front of you
keep chipping away
at layers hardened
years of protection
making it impossible to stay open
raw, nervous energy
and the ability to soothe
It’s gonna be ok, child.
You are ok.
3/12/13
it was always on your terms
by your schedule
I don’t have to follow this line anymore
I can move away from what doesn’t feel right
what takes me away from myself
when I stay right here, I’m angry.
I’m hurt by your disregard for me.
There’s a fire in my chest and it used to crush me
Now it opens me
It’s burning, transforming a new path
This shit doesn’t work for me anymore
I don’t want you to restrict my motion
and I won’t stand by and watch myself crumble.
6/11/13
I look up
Icarus
and a former version of myself
burning at the stake
Sharp pains and then tears in my eyes
because I realize I hate making eye contact
I hate being seen.
Here we can’t even live up to our own expectations
here are these mirrors all around me
Reflecting and bouncing off one another
to show me myself and the unreality of my world
the rain runs rampant and I sit and stare…
I’m waiting for someone to come and take me into my own life.
10/26/13
i made you pancakes
and then couldn’t wash the pan til weeks after you left
my table for two turned into a table for one
alone in a corner
wondering where i lost you
dreaming of embrace, like the one when i picked you up at the airport.
you picked me up and didnt want to let go
because
we were so happy to see each other
and then you disappeared
behind clouded eyes and a wall of silence
I was left grasping
knocking on your heart’s door
desperately searching for a way to understand
the sadness creeps up when I’m alone
silent convulsions in my stomach
attached to a string of tears…
there’s just so much that we’re missing.
delicatefish 