Push me
Tear me close to my edges
And then leave
Or better yet, make me walk away
So I hold it all
My pain plus your responsibility
Then proceed with absolutely no sense
Blame me
Shame me
Hold me down at my edges
Restrain me
Punish me
While you enjoy me at my edges
Pull me to the very center
Only to abandon me
My body lies still
and you ask how I take it
You can’t see
I escape every time

and you’ll never come close to my edges.

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Season less 

Staring at the tin tile ceiling
I’m reminded that what goes away
always comes back
We just need to lose something long enough and then it will be loved anew

Things fall into silhouette and the soft colors of sundown
Sometimes there comes a wave of sadness
For lovers lost … or summers long gone

It all dulls as the seasons change
Vibrancy leached from leaves
And you at a distance
Unreachable

Its cavernous inside here
As the old insecurity creeps up and comes knocking at that space
Like a familiar friend in the absence
of you

Then the guards go up
While I fight to remain open
Heart skipping as the battle ensues
Like a childhood tug of war

The sound of your voice is comforting and a whole seasonless world carries on in my dreams

Copper Gaze 

Copper gaze
A glint that catches from a distance
That distance to be drawn to
In which to secure my sense of security
A striking feeling of emptiness when everyone finally goes away
Hoping for something of hope to hold onto

Yet, your ability to move my insides feels something significant
Curating words that I may or may not
ever say
Your confusion is clear
And I’ve learned not to take it in
Or mistake it for mine
But still
I love the longing

I regress into pain and languish in this bitter taste on my tongue
A half dollar
And the look of guilt upon your silver face
They can’t sense what’s it like to have to hold tight to fantasy
because maybe stability doesn’t exist either

I assigned you a significance and asked you to play this role
With no lines for context
And you wrote me in as a character in your tale about yourself

Discarded trees
Like the markings of melancholy
It’s over and their spirit has been sucked dry
Sabotaged, you say

But I’ll be adamant against it all

Another year
Another chapter
In the continuation of this story

Almost okay 

Seeing you in that circular mirror
Incense smoke billowing to the sound of the music 
And Still
this sadness lying under me 
Underlining me 

Maybe you will turn my world around
Perhaps you already have with
Something so raw, so real that it’s overwhelming

Disarming even
So, I dont see it coming
that’s the biggest lesson I keep learning
My hand missing yours by just a moment

When you could spend your life in a dark bar
Waiting for something to happen
But novelty wears off quick
And here I am,
Left Wrapped in a riddle 

The magnolia leaves are so magnificent until they’ve been stepped on
And then they’re just difficult to distinguish from dirt 

I’ll be the one that got away
Because you were too
preoccupied
With the one that was never gonna let you go

Sometimes my eyes cry involuntarily in the night

Lying here in this shadow
I’m the most alone I’ve ever been 

And I’m almost okay with it.

Passion & Compassion + Zero Fucks = More, More, and More! 

“In conclusion, then, art is absolutely meaningless. It is, however, also deeply meaningful…The paradox that you need to comfortably inhabit, if you wish to live a contented creative life, goes something like this: “My creative expression must be the most important thing in the world to me (if I am to live artistically), and it also must not matter at all (if I am to live sanely).”-Elizabeth Gilbert 

This quote came to me this morning from a book I’ve picked up on and off over the past few months called Big Magic: Creative Living Beyong Fear. 

Lately I’ve experienced frustration and feeling misunderstood in relationships…Feeling judged for “caring too much” or letting my immense vision (which can sometimes tango with anxiety) get in the way of my presence. I’ve realized that my vision causes me to attach or ascribe meaning to events and people, which can cause them to feel pressure, interfere with the relationship and then because that was not my intention, I feel misunderstood and rejected. And I do end up misunderstood because so much of this remains unsaid, unspoken. 

Reflecting on this recently has caused me to think  a lot about communication (or lack thereof) and dating in the modern world through texting, apps etc. It has caused me to become more aware and empowered about how and when I communicate.
(Side note: My teacher today repeated a message that said something like “the authority of women lies in their understanding of that which is unspoken.”) 

In these instances where I’ve felt misunderstood or judged, I’ve longed for a chance to be understood, to make things clearer or to have things be spoken. Sometimes, there is that chance, sometimes there isn’t. And as it turns out, trying to force or control that chance continues the spiral of anxiety and misunderstanding (annnnddd cue repeat pattern). 

But the paradox in the above quote applies for all things – particularly what comes to mind is relationships (which are in itself a creative expression). I can and must care like it (the event) or you (the person) are the most important thing in my world, but it/you must also not matter at all…  IF I am to remain sane and grounded and clear to actually connect. 

Where I’ve gotten attached, or entangled (because I don’t think attachment is necessarily negative) is in my need to prove that I care AND in looking for proof that others care back – to have people see and acknowledge me and validate that I mean something. But in real, clear, truth: I already know. And the more I know and feel clear and confident internally, the more I can share that knowing  (and caring) with you/it. Without force, without anxiety, without worry about how or when. I just know, I just care. I’m passionate about this or that. It’s that simple. 

The compassion comes in next. With the realization that some people won’t get it, won’t want it or just can’t receive whatever it is I’m offering. I’m gonna need to stop taking that personally (which sends me spiraling back to needing to prove something!) and just shine my light. This includes compassion for anyone who is blocked from connecting. This includes those relationships in which our paths crossing creates more static then harmony. It even includes those events or relationships that were once good, great, wonderful and then somehow moved into a place of static or dissonance. It ain’t my fault, it isn’t yours… So let’s just shine some love light on this and move forward y’all…  Okay? That’s it. 

To bring more lightness and humor to this, today my teacher delivered another message/ image. It was a drawing of a dark green dot inside a light green circle. This was meant to represent the heart center. The light green surrounding area represented love, passion and compassion. That little green dot at the heart of the heart? Zero fucks. Yup. This little area at the center of everything equates to zero fucks. That’s what he said in the midst of a deeply spiritual message. 

Zero fucks! 

So there’s my new plan for every endeavor, every relationship – to love, to care, and to shoot compassion as widely, deeply and strongly as I can… and then? Exhale. Relax. Unwind. Receive. With the power of Zero fucks. 

None of it matters and paradoxically it/you can be the most important thing in my world. Simultaneously!!

 What!? Yes. Read it again.

 It can be the most important thing AND not matter at all. 

This makes SO much sense to me. 

A special glittery Thank You to Michael for another soul rocking afternoon!   (Michael Domitrovich is one of my amazing teachers and healers, check him out at ediblespirit.com

Skyline

A place of sickness all too familiar
This drive like a pathway ingrained in my cells
Exhaling relief when I see that skyline
A city shrouded in gray
Seen through the fog of this windshield screen view

And where are you as you enter my mind
Who are you in this fraction of time 

I’ll sleep wrapped up
As if there’s someone
Or something I’m holding on to..
Can they see through me something 
That I’m trying not to show? 

You give me this object almost in case you abandon
and then you do.
And he was just a nail in the coffin
A derailment that I can’t help but regret 

When all I get is scraps like a consolation prize 

My eyes cloud when I hear your name
And I wake in the night choking on that name
In absolute panic because I wonder if I might just choke to death
Utterly alone 

Questioning if you truly never saw me at all 

And I just can’t get away from the naive notion that this is important
and I destroy myself to prove that you mean something
Because it barely took one look to unravel me
And we existed in a rare space of comfort, warm smiles, too-knowing eyes and heartful laughter

We existed in a place without words

Now here, looked back as if it’s a far off skyline
comparing a few nights of open valved raw connection
To the promise of stability
A conflict causing a hurt so deep, it can only invite primal fear and counter attack
Caught in a question that can never leave me settled.

Wrap around me 

We’ve reached that time of winter where the cold sneaks through my clothes and wraps around me.
There’s pain trapped in this body that words can’t possibly describe. I’m realizing that the addiction is to longing, as it turns out that what I took for affectionate eyes were just guilty ones all along. 
The last words spoken said that these feelings were mutual, only they aren’t…because I’m not in love with someone else. 
But thanks anyway, for the reassurance that could never be real.

and for once this cold, grey air feels right as it wraps itself around me and embeds itself in my bones.

Just like you. 


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