Insatiable

7/6/19

The city’s noises are piercing
And my mind feels like a hollowed out home
Housing too many thoughts and feelings to express
And not nearly enough words to get my point across

I guess inadequate is the theme here.

You deserve a woman who has grown confident
Not a girl crying for the love and attention she didn’t receive as a small thing
She still feels like such a small thing

And though it is not your job to lift her up
I cry tears of desperation as you pick me up off the floor

I fall apart
in front of you

I fear I’m not enough and too much all at the same time

What if you can’t feed my insatiable need?

What if I can’t satisfy yours?

Everyday Intimacy

7/1/19

Worn out and worried
After a long game of ping pong self sabotage
How long can we keep this ball in the air?

Mind, heart and body split and sectioned off
An innocent open child hiding from a ghost
A powerful, larger than life woman trying to keep her magic contained
Because there’s danger there

Warming up to the fire of your body
This everyday intimacy confuses
Constant negotiations for space
Real and otherwise

We push with words, glances and a pull back language that lacks syllables

Words spit like rocks
over time wearing away
Pushing in the delicate sand and silt below
Til there’s no more ground to stand on

So we learn to swim

6/20/19

I’m naive and dumb, you say
But maybe, just maybe, I was using them too

Maybe I knew exactly the choices I made
And I only pretend to regret them

Because I’ve been taught not to want
And I’ve been taught to go after what I want

But I’ve never been allowed to enjoy my desires

Sometimes we’re victims – treated as incapable of knowing better
And yet when we’re victimized,
you don’t believe us

We should have done something, you say.

Speak up.

While you have no problem taking what you want.
And having it.

No questions, no apologies.

No one will ever call you dumb or ask whats wrong with you.

And yet here I am,
Caught between worlds
Because no answer is actually good enough

We’ve been taught to put on so many faces

for you

So many, that you don’t even know who we are anymore

And maybe neither do we…

6/11/19

Crossing that border again
Feeling something that I can’t put my finger on

They painted over the poetry
And you taught me to walk on the sunny side of the street

Now here we are, at this corner
Meet and go separate ways

Trying to find you through the fog
And then I realize, I’m giving too much again.

Left, depleted and dissatisfied
While you roam.

Moments

8/30/18

We lie in bed
Listening to each other’s words
Someone else’s words aloud

I hang on every word
In an attempt to expand this moment
Bridge some closeness

A girl admiring a moment
That should be special
But in moments is just panic inducing

And I imagine for a moment that the drink isn’t necessary
But then you steal off for a sip

I wonder am I heading down a shadowy path
Missing the signs
Or is this all part of the territory

Worth it for the view?

Scraggly Edges

8/26/18

The scraggly edges of your beard against sunlight
Even your heartbeat seems to pull away

I can’t sleep because that would mean to let my guard down
Let it down

My eyes ache with exhaustion
From trying to see through this.

Coffee Stained

6/11/18

The ebb and flow of your chest
Until it becomes more violent

Love isn’t a moment
It’s a series of
Kissing your coffee stained lips

And the statue stands tall at the tip of the island
The skyline starts us thinking…
Life goes on, but it’s a little more muted this time
This city sits in a fog
Heavy and dense

Sometimes I’m a conduit for pain
I watch the age creep under my skin

And wonder what’s next?

Slow Seam

4/13/18

Watching the sun come up over Queens
A seahorse stain on the sidewalk
Marking my path
My skin stitches itself back up

Slow seam

Just like the river cuts through the earth
As if to say, I exist under here…

The roads attempt to imitate
But I can see the facade from up above
The red roof screams out from the crowd
As if to say, I’m different but I live here too

The gravestones shimmer in the sunlight
Wake up, they say.

Touch down.

The world is so full of light.

Push me
Tear me close to my edges
And then leave
Or better yet, make me walk away
So I hold it all
My pain plus your responsibility
Then proceed with absolutely no sense
Blame me
Shame me
Hold me down at my edges
Restrain me
Punish me
While you enjoy me at my edges
Pull me to the very center
Only to abandon me
My body lies still
and you ask how I take it
You can’t see
I escape every time

and you’ll never come close to my edges.

Season less 

Staring at the tin tile ceiling
I’m reminded that what goes away
always comes back
We just need to lose something long enough and then it will be loved anew

Things fall into silhouette and the soft colors of sundown
Sometimes there comes a wave of sadness
For lovers lost … or summers long gone

It all dulls as the seasons change
Vibrancy leached from leaves
And you at a distance
Unreachable

Its cavernous inside here
As the old insecurity creeps up and comes knocking at that space
Like a familiar friend in the absence
of you

Then the guards go up
While I fight to remain open
Heart skipping as the battle ensues
Like a childhood tug of war

The sound of your voice is comforting and a whole seasonless world carries on in my dreams


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