Bare boned
You Caught me off guard
A Kiss
I cowered

Open heart
Abandon
See what’s here
Cherish the moment
Unencumbered by fantasy

I wonder who you are when the sparkle wears off
For once less afraid to see
Walking down the street with eyes closed
I can still feel the sun

Thoughts of the last person I’d allow myself to love
With complete abandon
Sadness washes over

I saw the minute change
Felt the shift
Of your subtle insecurity

Plagued by expectations
Judgement
The world according to my own mind

Young love
Innocence
Don’t we wish we could go back?
But the knowledge would not be there

So do we cower, stay back, hold back, afraid?
Or will we each take risk
Fail, fall and flounder
And then step back to our feet
growing stronger…
Transformed from the lessons once inscribed in pain

Move forward
Pull away
Come close
Bleed
And cry

Break
Hold
See one another
Whole
Behind all this
Rawness

Be
Without label
Experiences
And the smell of lilac

Hold eyes
Hands
Scarred hearts
And insides

Teach me
allow me to teach you too
feel all this pain
And then let go
Insecurity, safety

surrender

So many parts -
And how to construct the whole

Uncanny encounter
Drawn by magical sound
Staring into false stars
Together
a feeling most real
And so raw
to be unraveled

Breath, touch, motion
Move me…
Me
You
separation slips away
“Keep your soul open”, whisper
Hearts connected
Eyes deep… dimensional
Tune in

cross shining in the night
I’ve seen god
And to see myself
Feel myself
Surrender with abandon
In sync with you
Unafraid

Paralyzed in the inability to make a decision
an attempt to see this simply
As a fragment of that bigger picture…

Who we are.
Here we are.
Step back.

It’s not that clear cut, you say
maybe it is.
history wins over what’s right,
And change remains unborn
we sit still, paralyzed.

I see now and
try not to attach to potential
But left to question -
My intuition, just a muscle I’ve trained
What do I really see
And what of that I see is real?

Atrophied muscle that wont move,
Because it doesn’t know how.
All this piles up in our cells…
And the view becomes less pleasant as I pass by
Let your body learn by experience

We find ourselves on separate edges
Looking into this chasm, existing under a same sky
in one place
From different perspectives.

I’m simply leaving you all behind
And it’s going to be ok.
The early spring is comfort and full of hope
But when I stop to think about it
I’m heartbroken.
devastated.

I’ve tried so hard to hold on
Given my all to what now emerges clear as a lost cause
Left tired, worn thin
once more to investigate myself
Excavate these marks you’ve made…
And start again.

This holding back just makes me wanna rip you open
And examine you on the inside.
The sign says “new pattern in effect”
And I wonder how to shift
And build a new road for myself
This same ache
Familiar conflict
I see myself in you
And I don’t know whether to run fast or wrap you in my arms

The subway is full of people suffering
And the moon is brilliantly beautiful.
It appears close enough to touch
But remains out of reach

So I stand back and admire
Content with this view.

you don’t know
how this breaks my heart
every day
a year between
and the emotions run strong
stuck in a seemingly endless cycle
a rat that can’t escape this maze
or maybe she doesn’t want to.
The last bit of security like a hope for cheese at the end of this labyrinth
So I search
and claw my way
as other people’s doubts tempt
and twist my mind
frantically trying to find ground
while being uprooted by you,

Still.  

The world is on the horizon, just past this highway
The pigeon finds his stop on this commuter train…
And exits a touch confused
I think, maybe we all need to get away, to find a way
I count each day that I don’t reach out to you
And I try to forget the fact that you don’t reach back
Because it hurts.
Why should I feel lonely?

Mausoleum shining like a monument
Your hands were strong, yet soft
I held them in mine, and looked into you
I closed my eyes to remember the moment and when I opened, you were gone.
The back of my heart sore from standing tall
After so long being defeated
This ache seems to bear your name but does it have anything to do with you at all?
Or does it merely bear witness?

I am.
I am human. I am flawed.
I accept myself as I am.
Where I am.
I have been and I will be.
I am.
I am learning.
I am strong.
I am sad and I feel.
I am blessed with a range of emotions.
I am intuitive and I am compassionate.
I am fierce.
I am fire, transformative.
I am transforming.
I am weak and I am vulnerable.
I am dark, and I am light and weightless.
I am here and I love.
I am.

Light breaks on the horizon and it seems significant that I left in darkness
Follow the light
Let it be easy
moving away from fear

“The world belongs to those who see its potential” – HSBC Ad in the airport

1.9.12
LIBERIA
The quality of light
peaceful energy
unspoiled by the invasions we are so used to

1.10.12
TAMARINDO
As soon as I’m on the mat I have an overwhelming sense of familiarity
I am home
Yoga means union, union with the world
Wherever I am
Wherever I am, I am home
At home within myself
The fear dissipates, dissolves into a sense of well-being
no need for fear
accept your limitations
because when you face your fears, and accept your limits – you then see clearly the ways to transform them
when you try to ignore or push through them, you stumble against them, you feed them, and you remain in fear
uncomfortable and not in union
I am home and welcome in this place
I will always find my way
Open to your inner peace
You have everything you need and you are right on time
There is no need to rush, there is nowhere to be but now.

I am lucky. I am so lucky. I am grateful.

1.10.12
TAMARINDO
restlessness and anxiety arise
the realization that I live in a culture of constantly planning what’s next
I try to settle but there is this incessant need to identify what arises, to record it, and to communicate it
i search for a connection as a method of getting away from myself, because when I am alone, and there is no schedule, no “what’s next?” – I am left to truly listen to myself.
To honor my wants and needs.
I can take care of myself.

1.11.12
TAMARINDO
it’s certainly a lesson in non attachment
i wake up and the bed across the way is empty
once filled with curiosity, doubt, frustration and anger
deep, he calls it
and my purpose is clear
i feel clear and unashamed
strong and steadfast in my beliefs
but able to communicate why
i simply tell my story
and its heard by the stars
the water comes and chases us off to bed
i sleep with sand between my toes.

1.13.12
TAMARINDO
say goodbye again
i wonder if it ever gets easier
this gentle place, allowing me to face my fears
and see myself, authentically
an inner knowing so sound
the waves take me
and i let go
this ocean teaching me to surrender
a warm meal
a warm smile
and a warm hug
and i am off again into the unknown
a little less afraid this time

1.13.12
EN ROUTE TO SAN JOSE
the tides are drastic and nature’s lesson is that it’s ok to be in different places throughout the day. naturally – back and forth

REST STOP
i see the peacock and wonder if it knows how beautiful it is
just what is the weight of the feathers it carries

my whole mood and state of mind has been transformed in four days, i hope i do not lose track.

“As your heart races, pack your suitcases, and in the middle of the desert, there’s an oasis” (Grace Potter & The Nocturnals)

1.14.12
ALAJUELA
my dreams are vivid, and of home
is it home?
anxieties arise
expectations
teacher training begins today
i’m nervous
it’s beautiful out – the sun is shining and the birds are chirping
focus only on what’s immediately in front of me
breakfast, luggage, bus

1.14.12
EN ROUTE TO CAHUITA
I dreamt of Adam last night, he said he’d be with me
a teacher, a guide
i listen to his voice
and find my own potential for healing
i woke up feeling congested, as the morning wears on it gets worse
i know its my own anxieties arising
my body tires easily from travel and change in climate
the humidity and heat in tamarindo was good for me
the cool air of san jose felt foreign
i touch my Ganesha and realize this is but one of my obstacles
i meditate on the color green
surrounding
lush green
healing
peace, harmony, well-being
peace
harmony
well-being
peace, harmony, well-being

peace, love, gratitude

REST

1.15.12
CAHUITA
Day 1, Sacred Silence
I slept a lot and pleaded for the rainforest to heal me
The sound of the rain was strong
and startling
mornings are moist
looking forward to meditation

“Let the jewel of enlightenment bloom from the lotus of your heart”

1.15.12
end of the first full day, the up and down emotions happening already
craving connection – something to take me further
i miss my friends, and my dog
enjoying the stability of the schedule – leaning on that to pass the days
I want to enjoy the beauty of this place more than I am right now. I don’t really feel pulled by it yet.
Will enjoy the sounds as I sleep.

1.16.12
CAHUITA
Bird of Paradise

I awoke this morning feeling restless. Not at home, the silence felt oppressive and all I could think was “I’m not vibing with this place.” I need more contact.
A shift occurred. Thankfully.
Meditation was rough but I’m enjoying and taking a lot from the physical practice. Making more connections and feeling the magic of this place. Hopefully I will tune in more, but the restraints still feel difficult and I long for something familiar.

SLEEP.

1.17.12
CAHUITA
morning meditation
energy, heat at base of spine, rising to back of heart
BLOCKAGE at throat
3rd eye open
“I am ready”

morning practice
hip openers
emotion, trauma
breathe into the tightness
hunger
morning class
ahimsa, nonviolence
self-righteousness
humility
mind-bending, mind tricks
how to not cause harm
“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”
how can we open our eyes?

1.17.12
CAHUITA
patacones con guacamole
howler monkeys
black sand
a sloth with baby
and the first bonds formed
poetry by the stars
magical rainforest
costa rica, once again
growing on me, slowly

1.18.12
CAHUITA
howling monkeys disrupt my dream and I’m off to a late start
meditation
my world flipped upside down and I came upon huge, heavy doors
like a ninja, I pried them open – slightly and watched as people could pass through
I couldn’t see past there
and then we stopped
shoulder openers
I feel strong and open

let it go
it doesn’t matter
“cooling the fire of the heart”

1.18.12
AYURVEDIC MASSAGE
intimate
healing
intuitive
i feel lonely and emotional
i’ll sleep to music

1.19.12
morning meditation
frightening and intense
panicky
my intention: softness
heart openers
joy, playfulness
expansion
challenge
open heart, heavy heart
love and compassion
tears, sadness
breathe into the weight
i’m wearing all black today
alone, loneliness
solitude
LET IT GO.

1.20.12
morning practice
it is internal fear that I need to overcome
my fear takes me away from myself
I need inner strength
the outer strength is already there
So is the inner
Access it.

1.21.12
SHIVA
fierceness
release fear and judgement
i feel strong
dragonfly pose

1.22.12
vision only on the right side
tired
reaching my edge

1.23.12
DURGA
fierce/relaxation
i feel strong, stable, centered
sensing into the subtleness of my body
how lucky are we to have this time to devote to our practice

1.24.12
morning practice
moving meditation
cardio
warrior goddess
rooted down to rise up
like a large sturdy tree

halfway complete
going strong

1.24.23
PUNTA UVA
gorgeous
happy
playtime

PUERTOVIEJO
sweet

halfway and a sadness creeps up
i realize there’s no more to anticipate
time winds down now
another ending which will inevitably come too soon.

1.25.12
“who you are is free from fear, anxiety and judgement…
no running away or running after…”
i’ve reached my edge
the emotional edge
where frustration and limitation paralyze me
everything that arises will pass away
let it go

1.28.12
work took over and focus shifted outwards
struggling with the limitations, the communications of my body now more than my mind
balancing ego with a need to pull back and heal
for the first time, I am truly listening to my body and it’s loud and clear
protective instincts kick in – this is just another learning experience.
a place to grow and move away from ego

1.28.12
i feel much less lonely, bonds formed and love of this place takes hold
i know it will come to an end and i don’t fear that. I do miss some luxuries of home and will appreciate them more upon returning. Still questioning what next and how to get there?

connection
earth home
keep trusting
the path that only takes you this far
will keep opening
stars, ocean
body, mind
self, other
one
connected.

1.29.12
morning meditation
the doors open to me and it’s bright
i see a path, and the brilliant sun on the horizon – red, radiant
a bicycle, baby blue
and i move down the path

1.30.12
rainy day
self-critical
negativity
a pattern of stopping before i’m great at anything
what is mastery?
temperance
giving up
am i giving up?
or does it all still build?
feedback
support
I’m lucky
I’m ungrateful
I’m humbled
I cant see myself
still.

1.31.12
it poured all through the night
dark morning
makes it difficult to get out of bed
but my kidneys ache
the monkeys howl from afar
i dont think they like the rain either
the peacocks huddle close
and there’s no one around
the path is quiet
and empty

2.2.12
YOGA NIDRA
i will follow my path, without fear
YOU ARE DIVINE

there is no longer the need for fear
there is no need for approval

2.3.12
envision
finally, endearing, inspired
passion
drive
i see the path unfold

last night
magic happens in the palapa
i savor this space

2.4.12
satchidananda
truth, consciousness, bliss

at first a month seemed so long and now it doesn’t seem quite enough
funny how perspective can shift everything

2.5.12
re-entering
although what is the “real” world? what feels more authentic? i try to loosen myself and prepare for the cold shock
transition eases without attachment, i haven’t mastered this yet but i proceed with discipline
meditate
one step after another
be here now
and look forward to the next adventure
remembering the juicy bits of the one ending
my mind and heart are strong and what lies beyond all that is even more resilient…